That One Time I (May Have) Ended Up On A Peruvian Porno
It was my last night in Arequipa, Peru. I’d been there for the best part of a month, and I wanted to go out with a bang. (Pun definitely intended).
Me and my mates from the hostel had decided we’d go and check out the Wild Rover hostel. It was the party place in Cusco, so why not give it a go here as well?
It’s the kind of place that travellers dream of…
Trust me, that review is the PG version.
There are people dancing on the bar. Free shots appear in your mouth magically. Seasoned party-goers try their hardest to remember to blink. And, guys and girls acting as if they didn’t come out to try and pull that Austrian they took a liking to on their White Water Rafting trip.
There are no Austrians featured in the image of this boat. Promise.
I found myself talking to a girl from Arequipa at the bar. She was a couple of years older and seemed a bit put off that I was younger, so I did the Gentlemanly thing and carried on my night elsewhere.
But, about 30 minutes later she came to the bar and grabbed my arm. She took me outside and said, “I changed my mind, let’s go”.
I mean, who am I to say no to an offer like that?
The only problem was the problem travellers face in this situation – where the hell do we stay?
We wandered around the town for a little while. There were no hostels, hotels or bed and breakfasts that had a spare room going. Why would they at 2am on a Thursday?
“You’re from Arequipa, do you now know anywhere that we could go?” I asked, on the verge of just calling it a night.
“Well, I do know one place, near where I live” she said, “It’s about five minutes in a taxi from here”.
Bingo. Sorted. I hailed a taxi all eager and ready to go. We climbed in the back…and half an hour later we arrived. After, of course. driving through the sketchiest neighbourhoods where I was officially the only Englishman for 10 miles. Standard.
Imagine a two-star American motel in a U shape. Now, add a fourth wall to that. And on the ground floor of the other three add a Garage Door. That’s the place I was driving into.
As you pull in the garage door opens up, the taxi pulls inside and the door closes behind you. You get out, climb up the stairs, and a man knocks on the door and asks you for 30 nuevo soles, which is the equivalent of around £3.
Now, Men do this thing when they’re horny. They push away all sense of reality. It doesn’t matter where you are, what the situation is, or even what the girl looks like in front of you, as long as the blood is flowing away from your head, this feels like a good decision.
The room was covered in mirrors. They were on the ceiling, the floor, the walls, the headboard, the corners of the rooms and the back of the door. Everywhere you turned there was a mirror. I, of course, didn’t think anything of it. Probably because the blood was all rushing downwards and not upwards.
So, we did the deed. And she was awfully into the mirrors. I mean, you would have thought she was going for an oscar winning performance. I was half expecting Ricky Gervais to come out and present her with Best Actress midway through.
And, as it came to an end (again, pun intended) we lay down together and I asked her, “What’s the deal with all of these mirrors?”
After a moment of silence, finally, she turned to me. Looked me dead in the eye. And said, quite matter of factly, “Oh those? There are guys stood on the other side. The reason it’s so cheap is they can masturbate to us having sex”.
Yep. You guessed it. That’s when reality set in. The blood rushed back to my head and I realised that, not only was I in a super dangerous place, there could be 14 Peruvian men tugging one out to my pasty white arse. Hell, maybe they’d even recorded it!
So, I went to the toilet. I washed my face to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. And then I did what any responsible, adult, male in my situation would do…
I faked an Asthma Attack so I could leave.
And now, I live in fear of someone loading up a video, getting 15 seconds in and realising it’s me. (Oh god please don’t let it be me).
What’s the oddest, weirdest situation you’ve found yourself in when you’ve been travelling? Let me know in the comments.
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